Christmas time means me waking up every morning in December and thinking “Crap! I didn’t move the damn Elf!!” Or, “Crap! Where the eff did I hide that little bugger last night!?”
Our Elf has been in our family for five Christmases if you count this one. His name is Otto Goose Cookie. He’s been found at the bottom of a very large glass of wine, eating ice cream in the freezer, and pooping chocolate chips into a martini glass. Are you getting the symbolism here? Yes, Otto is an extension of his Maker, and I am not talking about Santa Claus.
I have a very perceptive 4-year-old that questions Otto’s every move. We’ve gotten pretty adept at making up on the fly excuses (lies) for Otto’s …erm…’extracurriculars.’ But, the truth is often much funnier:
ELF IS EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS THE DAY BEFORE
LIE: “Ooooooh. Elf did not go to see Santa at the North Pole last night. You must have been very very bad. Better luck tonight, Ralphie!”
TRUTH: Big One got slightly out of order at bedtime. My husband and I high-five each other once he’s asleep – Hall Pass!!!
ELF IS IN BARBIE’S BED
LIE: “Silly Elf! He must have been exhausted after all that travel to the North Pole and back that he didn’t realize he fell asleep there!”
TRUTH: Honestly, the details of how and why are fuzzy, but Daddy’s doing Dirty Girl Scout shots at a holiday party *might* have something to do with it.
ELF IS MISSING
LIE: “Oh that Elf! He must have had a lot to report to Santa last night so maybe he just stayed over night!”
TRUTH: Mommy has absolutely no recollection of what brilliant hiding spot she chose for Elf… after she opened that second bottle of Vouvray.
ELF’S EYES CHANGED COLOR
LIE: “Ooooh! Elf is magical” [sprinkles air glitter with hands]
TRUTH: The dog used Elf as a chew toy and the only Elf left at WalMart at 3am was Asian. Our Elf was not Asian.
ELF IS IN A POT ON THE STOVE. WITH TWO BARBIE DOLLS
LIE: “Elf must have been really cold after his trip to the North Pole!”
TRUTH: Daddy thinks he’s real funny. And may possibly have a thing for Barbie.
ELF DIDN’T MOVE . . . AGAIN
LIE: “That Elf is so sneaky! He’s tricking you because he knows you wouldn’t look there again!”
ELF HASN’T MOVED IN A WEEK
LIE: “Poor Elf! He got Lymes Disease from one of the reindeer and he’s been too tired to move. I am sure he’s communicating with Santa telepathically, though!”
TRUTH: Double Shit! Christ, I have a car that can park itself and a phone that can tell me how to get to Alaska and back. Is it too much to ask to make a damned stuffed toy that can relocate itself?
ELF IS IN THE FREEZER NEXT TO THE ICE CREAM
LIE: “It feels like home to him!”
TRUTH: Look, Mommy’s got two hands. That’s about one hand too few to eat ice cream out of the carton and hide the Elf.
ELF IS IN THE WINE FRIDGE
LIE: “Maybe Elf was looking for a present for Mommy. Mommy needs presents too!”
TRUTH: Replace the “Elf” above with “Mommy” and this one is not so far from the truth.
ELF IS LYING NEXT TO A MARTINI GLASS
LIE: “He was using it as a telescope to check in on you while you were sleeping.”
TRUTH: Mommy should really pay more attention to the Elf’s whereabouts. Might help to piece together my December…